She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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