Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
