Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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