Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
