you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
