Don't make out with my wife yet
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
