Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
