my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I supernannyed him into submission
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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