the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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