Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
