I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
