I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
