She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
