We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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