Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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