After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The uberlube is also flammable
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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