you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
