Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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