I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just cropdusted the office
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
