theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
