i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
