Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize