What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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