I murdered the dance floor call the cops
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
