Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
