I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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