you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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