Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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