I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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