I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You are a genius and a whore.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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