The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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