i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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