I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You can't special order awesome
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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