do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize