I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
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