My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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