i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
