He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
