i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He felt like a one man threesome
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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