dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
