she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize