hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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