Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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