I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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