the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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