I can tuck mytits in my pants
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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