I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
