If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i wish my penis had a tongue
you have to choose: penises or morals?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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