if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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