Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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