We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize