I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
