You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I want is dick and wine.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
