my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
