I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
