I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
