Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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