Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize