Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
