Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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