i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
