I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
