There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
