My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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