i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You took a bar mat shot.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
