just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize