and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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